Tuesday was my sister's birthday. Darlene would have been 56 years old. I spend the day remembering her, our early life together. Good and bad things. The months I set by her bedside and prayed for a miracle, knowing in my heart I would not get one. I feel like I have been in a fog these last three years. Only half feeling....well, every thing but the pain...the pain is still so fresh.
Over the last nearly 3 years I have spent a lot of time looking inward, looking outward. Who am I, what do I value? What do I have control of? I have control over the person I am, the wife I am, the mother I am, the grandmother, sister and friend that I am. Here and now I believe I can do more, be more. Thoughtful? Honest? Caring? Do I lead by example? Do I give back to our world? Do I respect myself, others? What do I value? What do I believe? So many things I have thought about, questions I have asked.
I have made many mistakes in my life. I have not always been the person I want to be. I have not always been the parent or wife I should be. It is up to me at every given moment to make the choice to be the person I want to be.
I may be only one person, but I will do everything I can to make the world a better place. I will do everything I can to help raise my grandchildren with strong beliefs and convictions. I will push myself to be better, to do more...I will become a better person and do everything I can with what I have got to give back.
I am still struggling though with my feelings, my anger, my sadness. I do not want to feel this way. I have to focus on what I can do in my life. I need to give my all into being a positive and not feeding the negative.
Sorry, this is all over the place, basically just rambling.
Loretta
10 comments:
You're a special person, Loretta. You may never get over the pain of losing Darlene, completely. Life is so short. It really is. Making the best of it while we're here, is important. So we have no regrets, when our time comes. So we leave a legacy of love and good memories for our loved ones. And I guess I'm rambling, too. Your post is actually very touching. Take care, and continue to try to be the best, and keep the good memories of Darlene in your heart.
Hugs!
Renie
Renie, No regrets...you are so right! Thank you for your kind words.
It is important to have all these thoughts and feelings. We all want to be better than we actually are. Let them be a challenge and not an obsession. Do not judge yourself too harshly. A little self forgiveness goes a long way. Know that each day is a new start to becoming more of our authentic self.
Loretta I too have spent a lot of time, reassessing my ideals, thoughts and errors as humans. I love each person I pass and sometime the Love is ever consuming. I call my children just to say, "I love you" Nothing more.
I lost Jeanette just a few but long 9 months ago and the freshess of pain never leaves. I miss her so much and her laughter, She laughed with her entire body. She also cried with her entire face. God I miss the laughter. She was my baby sis, A special place in my heart is empty but full of her Love.
God Blsss you post. Love Sue
What a beautiful, honorable woman you are, Loretta. You make me smile with happiness. Thank you for sharing yourself with us.
You may think its all over the place but to be honest the feelings you describe, well they could have been written by me. I think you have hit on exactly how many people feel dealing with loss, grief and trying to be the best we can be. You have shared with others too and those who have had similar thoughts can now stand up and say...."I am not alone"
Lovely entry Loretta xx
Yes, I, too, could have said these words. I lost my sister at age 48. Her son passed just 7 months earlier. I can't imagine what her husband went thru. Cancer, both of them.
And as for your regrets, they are not bad things... those of us who learn and strive to do better, be better, do so because of our regrets. Probably the only people who have no regrets are psychopaths, so maybe regrets are not so bad to have! Just remember, you probably were doing the best you could at the time given the circumstances of the moment. The point is, you are willing to grow.
Good post. Good writing. I am glad I have you as a blog friend.
Dear Friends,
Thank you all for your kind words. I value each one of you. It's so comforting to know we are not alone in this journey called life.
Loretta, I've spent a bit of time here, reading and getting to "know" you and I already know you are (not were!) a wonderful and loving sister. I liked reading what you wrote...you said many of the very things I've thought with lost loved ones and while I'm so sorry you've had to feel this way, it's good to know other normal people feel them, you know?
I like your blog. It's comfortable and nice here...my ex-husband and I owned a small over the road trucking company for a number of years so that hit home. Many things hit home...I'll be back, I'm putting you in my Reader right now. Thanks so much for stopping by to see me, because it allowed me to find you, too. :-)
Thanks for coming by Lisa. I look forward to geting to know you.
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